Tiger Warning: Child Abuse
The reason I didn't post this over a year ago is because I wanted to pray on it and add more scriptures that brought me meaning. And mostly because I was afraid of how it would be perceived. I didn't want backlash of negativity and harsh words.
- But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
Every day I battle the same thoughts that creep into my mind.
I think we all battle thoughts to some degree.
Today I am talking about the words that have been spoken to me to cut me down,
to try and destroy every inch of me. Words spoken to me to control me.
It's a daily battle of words of the past and
the words I wish to drill deep into my mind.
Words of kindness, love and hope.
Words that won't destroy what I have so hard to build up.
Words that give me the strength to continue each and every day.
Words that are of love and light.
Recently I read an article about a famous tv Musical Large Family
who daughters are healing from the very same thing I am still healing from.
Healing that is going to be a lifelong journey
and not a just get over "it" incident.
I remember watching this family on television and getting a gut intuition that something wasn't right.
That something very, very sinister and awful was happening behind the scene.
Taking me back to a feeling of a scared young girl being berated and feeling ashamed and broken.
The gut instinct that there is more going on than being portrayed on my television screen.
There was one scene shook me to my core that brought back the frightened little girl,
who knew something wasn't right but was under the control of an adult to whom,
I was told to trust and not ruin this chance for a "happy" family.
The intuition that something really bad was about to happen and yet I was unable to stop it.
Nor did I have the words to express what I was feeling or experiencing at the time.
In that moment as I watched this interaction between a father and a young daughter on TV, that was supposed to be innocent, my gut told me otherwise, I was taken back to my real-life nightmare.
While nothing inappropriate was happening on the TV show, watching this young girl standing on the stage being told by her father to sing as she stood there exposed, crying afraid and scared.
IT said more to me and took me back to a day where I stood exposed, scared, crying and afraid of what was about to happen but, in my case,
it was horrible sinister act that I would not be able to stop or voice for years to come.
There I stood naked, exposed and scared being told what to do by a father figure,
knowing if I didn't do as told I would be beat. Yes, beat with either his belt,
or most likely the electrical extension cord I stood there broken and afraid powerless to stop what was about to happen not know the words of what was happening,
but knowing my innocence was forever gone!
As tears streamed down my own face my world shattered completely
and that day, time and moment was etched into my brain and soul never to be forgotten.
My scene wasn't innocent but cruel, demeaning and I have never gotten over that
feeling of humiliation and shame.
The sights, smells, and a commanding voice
all trigger the horror of that day.
My Gut Screamed for help, just as I saw on TV, this young girls' eyes screamed for help.
That "innocent" scene on tv had my gut screaming this isn't what it seems something isn't right something is going on that isn't being showed on TV. Then the words of another came into my head.
The words that still make me doubt myself today.
"You fool, your letting your past creep in and projecting an innocent scene into something sinister."
"You think everything, or every father/boy is out for control and worse."
Could my past really deceive my intuition.
That when I perceive something is wrong that it's really not or visa-versa?
Is my woman's intuition wrong?
And just because I went through something awful doesn't give me the right,
to inject that on every father figure or male I get a bad feeling about.
Am I really not to trust what my gut was telling me?
Over and over again I have been told that I am foolish for my gut reactions.
Maybe not those exact words but that is the message I got.
Over and over again by people who I trusted I got gaslighted for saying my gut reactions out loud.
So, I silently hold them in, questioning those intuitions that deep down,
I know are real but afraid to admit that they are right.
So, I try and reason with my gut with words like,
" Just because I went through horrific life changing awful things,
that I shouldn't see every "outside my box male" as awful person or potential awful person."
Telling myself,
That the father on the television was just parenting his young child
to help break her out of her shell and help her grow as a performer.
While further deep down in my gut I saw a very scared little girl standing on stage
crying begging with her eyes for someone, anyone to help her.
This scene broke me deep down.
Why do I have to remember that day?
WHY can't it just go away? Time to stuff my emotions, feelings and instinct.
This famous family soon disappeared as their show was canceled out of blue without reason.
I tried to ignore my gut instinct, but I knew why, I had saw it that day I watched the show.
I had saw it in those child's eyes.
I began to do some searching to try and ease my gut feeling and sure enough my gut was right. (Again)
The girls in that family and I now knew had an ugly common thread.
An awful sinister assault had happened, and we now shared.
In my past I let the words of a few people trying to help but it was really gaslighting,
caused me more harmfully words for me to replay over and over in my head,
every time my gut told me something is/was very wrong.
I try to ignore my gut instinct to remain silent in some situations so I wouldn't know what to say or I
would have words said back to me, that I was being overly sensitive.
I never wanted to hear those words again.
I felt stupid and ashamed that I couldn't just get over "IT".
- Proverbs 23:18 - For surely there is an end; and thine expectation shall not be cut off.
In my younger years, I have put myself in bad situations,
because of those words. I trusted males my gut told me to run from.
Afraid of being that stupid, abused girl injecting her pain on every male.
Sometimes I avoided certain persons but mostly I didn't, only to find out my gut instinct was correct.
Yet, I've kept quiet when I should have interjected. Guilt stills haunts me for these encounters.
I kept silent when I should have spoken up because I was that scared little girl,
Afraid that if I spoke up, I would be ridiculed or shamed, as I had been in the past.
But worst of all I kept silent because I didn't trust myself! I didn't fully trust God's plan.
- Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
I had a dream that I couldn't seem to shake off.
In this dream I had a friend that I had gut reaction that told me this person was evil.
My gut told me I would be hurt if I continued to befriend this person.
I however wanted to be the person who was "nice", who tried to fix things I couldn't.
I tried not to believe that this person was a bad person.
I let my judgement be clouded and although my gut was screaming run away.
I would find myself running and hitting a dead-end brick wall with people
all around me laughing an taunting me.
I'd listen to this person lies and was caught in this person's web until one day
I opened up my eyes and it hit me square in the face
I had become this person's victim.
I was doing what I have always do in this dream.
I ignored all instincts put myself into a situation that was dangerous.
I let myself believe in an evil person. I would be hurt deeply.
Then the dream changed years later. After years of self-discovery, some counseling,
lots of prayer and a strong belief in GOD.
Over time, my dream changed:
One day before I could get hurt again by this person, I got courage,
I ran. I ran and I used my voice to tell the
world about this evil person.
I had seen the truth. Most believed me a few did not.
I started to listen to my gut instincts and began to speak up slowly.
In my dream I began to become brave person..
When I woke up, I realized I in my real life I ignore my gut and try to be a peace giver.
I am good at stuffing emotions. Never wanting to speak up even if I know I should.
Keeping quiet when I should speak.
I let peoples' words hurt me over and over again even if they only spoke it
once to me. I didn't listen to my gut afraid if I am wrong,
I will be shamed or worse,
if I'm right nobody will believe me.
I keep my silent because of the past.
I am not that brave; I have many things I wish I had done differently.
When I do try and speak up a lot of times it is thrown back in my face.
I get gaslighted and I feel dismissed, unheard, and not important.
I try and hang onto my past. I don't mean to. I don't want to remember the pain.
But slowly through God's words and Jesus's teachings,
I am getting stronger and becoming more of the
person He had created me to be.
- Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
My takeaway:
I can't change the past.
I can't change another person actions.
I can't make the memories go away.
I can change me.
I can change how I react to situations.
I can change my heart.
I can trust my gut intuition.
I can learn how to speak so I am heard.
I am a strong person!
And while I will never get over "IT".
I have grown past it and while things still are triggers for me
they are not intense debilitating triggers they used to be.
Yes, I am still a jumpy person, I startle very easily,
I am a light sleeper at night and can sleep deeply during the day.
Do I have things I need to work on? Yes, I am a work in progress, and I am not perfect!
Yet still, I am a child of GOD!
- Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
